These letters came at the end.
The letter:
Jessica, my darling daughter-
I am so proud of you for the great year you've had at school. You learned a lot and proved how smart you are. But I am most proud of your kind heart and the way you are such a good friend to others. I love you. Mom
I have always felt so conflicted about my relationship with Mom. It wasn't until I became an adult and had adult friends that I discovered how common an ambiguous relationship with your parents can be. Because, while Mom clearly loved me, as is evidenced in her letters, she really struggled to show it person.
It was almost like she just couldn't be reached. I have several photos of myself leaning into Mom, and her reaction- unresponsive. So although she allowed me to nestle into her, she rarely put her arms around me, looked at me, or directly talked to me.
This excerpt below is from a very tender letter that Mom wrote to me just before she died. I have always been taken aback by this glowing expression of love.
She closed the letter with these thoughts:
Mom died just one week after my 11th birthday. I treasure this last photo of us together.
She's holding on tight in this one. We got there, in the end.
This post forces me to revisit some heartbreaking memories as your father.
I’m loving all your posts Jessica.
This is so tender; it makes me want to dig up my letter and read it too. Isn't it interesting how our perceptions of motherhood changed as we became mothers ourselves? When I found out I was having a girl of my own, I felt deeply worried that I wouldn't be able to be a good mother to her, because my own mother-daughter relationship had been so fraught with insecurity. I don't remember that picture of you and Mom. It's so sweet.