The Closet

This story has been told and retold so many times, it's pretty much a legend now.

I've already expressed my sympathy for anyone who did not grow up in my hometown. Not only did our quaint little city have its own candy store and witch, frequent youth dances, and a serious network of night-games enthusiasts, it was also equipped with the most adorable boy-next-door imaginable, "Brady." I was best friends with his little sister and we went to the same church, so we were thrown together a lot. I had a perfect crush on this boy.

It really was a perfect crush for a girl of that age. Since we were both young and I was more like another sister to him, we just sort of became cute friends.

I don't know why Brady started the prank war of '02. I recall that summer perfectly. It was one of those summers where the sky is hot and cloudless and blue, and you're so exhausted by the shrill whine of insects and the relentless waves of blank heat that you just lay outside in the shade, doing nothing. I was with "Jan," Brady's sister, and another girlfriend. Suddenly, a car weaved into view and I saw a handful of boys leaning out the windows with enormous water-guns.

...Brady drove by and got us all wet, so we plotted a big revenge. We went into his bedroom and got his laundry and spilled it out all over the lawn. We hung underwear on the mailbox...

Brady practically drowned me with the garden hose the next day, so I taped mean drawings of him all over his bedroom door that evening. Then things started to escalate:

When I got home from the dance, Midge and I had a sleepover and woke up to discover I'd been toilet-papered in the night. On the sidewalk, Brady had written "We've only begun."

I chose to respond in kind, but to up the ante:

So here's what Midge and I did: we grabbed a couple rolls of toilet paper and skipped up to his house. No one was home so we figured we'd just let ourselves in (15 year old logic) and get it over with. Well. After decorating most of his room, we started on his closet, when all of a sudden we heard him ride up on his bike. I was terrified! I didn't know what to do so we just scrambled into his closet and shut the door. (Oh. My. GOSH. Whhhhyyyyyy???) I could hear his shoes squeak down the hallway to his door and then he gasped as he saw his room. We just held still and silent until we heard him go into the bathroom and then tried to decide how to get out of his house. We were about ready to sneak out when his whole freaking family came home.

You know that situation where you let something go for just a little bit too long, and then suddenly you're in WAY too deep? Like when your neighbor calls you by the wrong name once and you let it go, and then they do it again and you try to correct them but something interrupts you, and by the third time you just give up and answer to "Jennifer" for the rest of your life because now it would be too excruciatingly awkward to say something?? Well, this was like that only 5 thousand times worse. His family stayed in the house for 30 minutes and we were in the closet the WHOLE TIME! Ugh, I feel so horrible about that, but like I said, we were in waaaaayyy too deep to just breeze out of there and act like, "Hahaha that was so funny that we've been creeping in your closet for half an hour. Haha... ha... ha...." I was genuinely getting desperate by this point.

Then, Midge and I got the giggles. Giggling turned to breathless seizing. It was all so absurd! Laughter inevitably led to me peeing my pants a little bit. It's possible that some of my pee is still on the floor of that closet to this day.

Brady's family finally left, and I heard his mom order him to "clean this mess up" as she walked out the door. Clean up?? Noooooo! That was gong to to take forever, and we'd have to just crouch there in his closet the whole time!! The guilt and humiliation was killing me. I was in AGONY! Fortunately, Brady turned out to be a typically disobedient teenager in that he agreed to clean up the toilet paper mess right away, then promptly went to play video games as soon as his parents left. It was a glimmer of hope...

Midge was able to sneak out through the door into the garage. She went first because I was too scared.

Just our luck, the door happened to squeak, and she barely got out and shut it before I heard Brady turn his chair and stare down the hallway. Silence. I was trapped in his bedroom. I hid behind the door, trying to find some explanation for my insane position while I listened to him come closer and closer. Finally, seconds before he saw me, the doorbell rang. He stopped, confused. I saw Midge streak past his window. When he opened the (front) door, I ran down the hall, threw open the (garage) door, slammed it shut, and made my escape.

Wow. Even now, the memory leaves me speechless.

Eventually, I ended up telling a few "trusted" friends about the incident and it was all over from there. Of course the whole universe got wind of the story before long.

Enough time has passed that I no longer want to incinerate myself when I'm teased about the closet story, but I still die just a little bit inside when I think about it.

Have a memory that makes you cringe? Don't leave me hanging here. Write back soon! Jess