I think the deciding factor in getting help for my depression was that I just COULDN'T snap out of it.
It was a combination of a lot of things for me. No doubt a chemical imbalance was present, keeping the sadness at a persistent downpour rather than the normal come and go shower. But it was more than that. I was TRULY troubled. I just couldn't see a future for myself that wasn't bleak at best. I felt that I had, to borrow the words of Jane Austin, "no prospects."
Certain foods still sound good to me, but I eat three bites and my stomach says I'm full. I'm completely indifferent to school, and the only pasttime I can concentrate on anymore is sleeping. I'm moody and impatient, and I can't focus on a thing.
As you can see from my last entry, I was really struggling with depression. I got down to 100 pounds and finally insisted on getting an appointment with the doctor. After describing my symptoms (loss of appetite, inability to focus, irritability, apathy towards school) he immediately put me on Prozac.
Although I wish I had had the wisdom or resources to see a therapist at that time, taking my medicine allowed me to "reset" mentally. My ability to focus increased, and with it my grades. I stopped cutting class. I started eating and sleeping more normally. I no longer felt that I was slowly fading into nothingness.
Chemicals aside, my problems persisted. Problems are real and normal. My girlfriends had those too, so we ran away sometimes to just to sluff off the pressure for a while. One time we packed up without warning and just fled to Stacy's grandparent's house.
We took Grandpa's convertible out for a spin and had some adventures that I'm going to keep to myself (you're welcome, girls.) I'm content to remember and smile about the good, only slightly illegal times we had that night.
Emotional illness is real. I have had three depressive episodes in my life. In fact, I just recently passed through a tunnel of depression. I can't describe the relief I experience when I start to feel like myself again. I felt that my depression was mostly circumstantial this time, not chemical, so I waited it out. Every brain bug is different, and so should the remedy be.
What has your experience with depression/mental illness been? If you're comfortable sharing, we'd love to hear your story. Love always- Jess
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